As I prepare for our family to go from 3 to 4 I wonder what new ways I will change and grow. What ways will this little guy on the way challenge me to improve myself. Will he be mellow and slow to get excited like his dad? Or will he be intense like me and our daughter? Will he sleep any better than his sister? Will he have food allergies or health challenges? I hope not, but I know whatever comes our way we will face.
I've tried to prepare Sarah for the changes coming to her life. It's hard at any age to understand just how much time babies require and I hope our on-going dialog over the past 8 months or so has prepared her as much as you can prepare an almost 2.5 year old. She tells me all the time that she's going to get diapers for mama, she's going to share her toys, she's going to teach her baby brother to walk and use the potty, and when we give him baths she'll wash his toes. The truth is I have a hard time gauging how much a sibling is going to change her life. I know in the long term a sibling is one of the best gifts I can give her. I can't imagine my life without my 3 sisters, they all have such a dear place in my life; but I do remember feelings of jealousy, frustration, irritation, and anger from when I was younger. I'm trying to remember that while the sibling experience overall is very positive, that growing up sharing space and time and resources can be taxing. In preparation for myself I've read a wonderful book called "Siblings without Rivalry" I feel it has given me new insight to sibling relationships and what I can do as a mother to foster healthy relationships between my children.
As I feel baby boy rolling around in his increasingly tighter quarters I know the time is drawing near. I find myself wondering what my labor will be like, what his birth will be like. I labored for 60 hours with Sarah (naturally) and while it was possibly the most difficult process of my life to date it was also very empowering. Achieving my goal of a natural birth gave me a new-found respect for my body, its design, and confidence in my ability to focus and achieve my goals. The recovery was long however. Much longer than I anticipated and going into the end of this pregnancy I spoke with my midwife about my apprehension of recovery. I know now that I can handle the pain of labor, even over a long period of time. But how will I take care of a toddler and a newborn if I have a slow healing process again? She has been wonderful and I've been taking her advise that I have to remember this is a different pregnancy. My body has done this before and there is no way to predict what is to come but the best way of preparing for what I want is to imagine it being that way. I am working on focusing on the birth I want, which ideally would be another natural birth, in a calm setting (this will be our first hospital birth but I believe we are in good hands for a natural birth). As an added bonus it would be wonderful if the labor itself is shorter than several days this time.
I'm trying to cherish the last wiggles inside my stomach as these may be the last days of my life that I carry life inside me. We don't know how many children we will have but knowing this could be our last makes the ending a little bitter-sweet. I'm ready to end the heartburn and other pregnancy discomforts. I'm also ready to meet our son and get to know him. Yet a small part of me is clinging to these last moments before our life changes forever. I know it is going to change for the better but I also know there is no way to prepare myself for just how big my heart is going to swell.
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