Reflections at the end of pregnanacy

In these final days of my second pregnancy I'm filled with thought and reflection. Before I gave birth to my daughter I never imagined how much having a child would change me. She has changed me for the better in every way. She's forced me to think outside the box, focus on improving my own short-comings, learn new things, play again, use my imagination in ways I admit I had forgotten. The biggest surprise in becoming a mother the first time was just how much my heart would grow.

As I prepare for our family to go from 3 to 4 I wonder what new ways I will change and grow. What ways will this little guy on the way challenge me to improve myself. Will he be mellow and slow to get excited like his dad? Or will he be intense like me and our daughter? Will he sleep any better than his sister? Will he have food allergies or health challenges? I hope not, but I know whatever comes our way we will face.

I've tried to prepare Sarah for the changes coming to her life. It's hard at any age to understand just how much time babies require and I hope our on-going dialog over the past 8 months or so has prepared her as much as you can prepare an almost 2.5 year old. She tells me all the time that she's going to get diapers for mama, she's going to share her toys, she's going to teach her baby brother to walk and use the potty, and when we give him baths she'll wash his toes. The truth is I have a hard time gauging how much a sibling is going to change her life. I know in the long term a sibling is one of the best gifts I can give her. I can't imagine my life without my 3 sisters, they all have such a dear place in my life; but I do remember feelings of jealousy, frustration, irritation, and anger from when I was younger. I'm trying to remember that while the sibling experience overall is very positive, that growing up sharing space and time and resources can be taxing. In preparation for myself I've read a wonderful book called "Siblings without Rivalry" I feel it has given me new insight to sibling relationships and what I can do as a mother to foster healthy relationships between my children.

As I feel baby boy rolling around in his increasingly tighter quarters I know the time is drawing near. I find myself wondering what my labor will be like, what his birth will be like. I labored for 60 hours with Sarah (naturally) and while it was possibly the most difficult process of my life to date it was also very empowering. Achieving my goal of a natural birth gave me a new-found respect for my body, its design, and confidence in my ability to focus and achieve my goals. The recovery was long however. Much longer than I anticipated and going into the end of this pregnancy I spoke with my midwife about my apprehension of recovery. I know now that I can handle the pain of labor, even over a long period of time. But how will I take care of a toddler and a newborn if I have a slow healing process again? She has been wonderful and I've been taking her advise that I have to remember this is a different pregnancy. My body has done this before and there is no way to predict what is to come but the best way of preparing for what I want is to imagine it being that way. I am working on focusing on the birth I want, which ideally would be another natural birth, in a calm setting (this will be our first hospital birth but I believe we are in good hands for a natural birth). As an added bonus it would be wonderful if the labor itself is shorter than several days this time.

I'm trying to cherish the last wiggles inside my stomach as these may be the last days of my life that I carry life inside me. We don't know how many children we will have but knowing this could be our last makes the ending a little bitter-sweet. I'm ready to end the heartburn and other pregnancy discomforts. I'm also ready to meet our son and get to know him. Yet a small part of me is clinging to these last moments before our life changes forever. I know it is going to change for the better but I also know there is no way to prepare myself for just how big my heart is going to swell.

Potty Learning at 15 months

I know early potty training has developed a bad rap here in the West but let me share our reasons behind our decision to start now rather than "when she tells you she's ready..."

1)In many other parts of the world there are no diapers, from early on mothers read their baby's body language and assist them in elimination (held over a bowl or tiny potty). This is called Elimination Communication (EC) and it's a positive early potty training that is really more "parent training" since it is the parent's reading the cues. We started doing EC with Sarah when she was about 10 weeks old to minimize her eczema prone skin's contact with urine. We purchased a BabyBjorn "Little potty" which you can find at Amazon.com and BabiesRus. We now have three.

While not crazy diligent with EC, Sarah has been doing the vast majority of her #2's in potty chairs since about 9 months. In between trips to her potty she was cloth diapered.

2)My daughter did not tell me that she was ready to learn how to use a spoon or learn how to climb down safely from things. She didn't tell me that she wanted to brush her teeth or bring me a story book but these are all things that she loves to do. Why would I wait for her to tell me she's ready to use the potty if I've taught her many other things before she told me she was ready? I believe if it's a positive outlook there's nothing wrong with starting early.

3)I have discovered that especially while she is teething she is prone to redness in the diaper area which again leads me stait to the conclusion that it is not natural for a child's skin to be in contact with their waste.

4)Even in the US babies were consistently potty trained between 18 months and 2 years before the mass usage of disposable diapers. Feel dry technology may be great for getting babies to nap longer and be more comfortable than a wet cloth diaper but it is not great for early potty learning.

5)Research shows that babies and young toddlers are more open to potty learning than children nearing the 3 year mark.


Here goes nothing! I came across this article and followed some of it's advice (I really don't believe we will be letting her run around naked for 3 months): http://www.babycenter.com/0_potty-training-in-three-days-or-less_10310078.bc

Pre-training:
We have been talking about mommy and daddy using the potty for a while now. (At least a month or so). We also regularly read "The Potty Book for Girls" which depicts a cute story about learning to use the potty. This book has given Sarah some exposure to what the potty is for and the idea that we will soon be done with diapers.

Day 1:
Today was the perfect day to start Sarah's potty learning. She started the day waking me up because she needed to use her potty for a #2. I stumbled across a "method of potty learning" that advocates for a naked bottom half. Allowing parents to see accidents quickly and allowing children to sit on the potty quickly. I started letting Sarah run around the house (baby pee is incredibly easy to wipe up, even from carpet). She had a couple of piddles on the floor and I had her help me pat the towels to clean it up. I didn't use any negative words just told her that pee goes in the potty. I also took her to sit on the potty at regular intervals. Most of the morning went by without a successful potty hit (I was starting to think that she wasn't ready yet) but now (at 4:30) she has had 2 #2's and 4 #1's in the potty! The most interesting thing to me was that shortly after lunch she started finding me and saying "uhh ohh! uhh ohh! uhh ohh!" If I asked her what was wrong she would point to a puddle on the floor. The puddles throughout the day went from full-blown puddles to quarter size puddles (leading me to believe that she was stopping herself from emptying completely.) Several of her pees that made it in the potty were after she said uhh ohh and showed me a tiny accident. Then I had her sit on the potty and read a story to her while she finished. She is currently napping diaper free on some waterproof pads but I am still planning on using cloth diapers for night time as she still nurses at night and usually wets about twice a night.

She was dry at the end of her nap and used the potty right away.
By the end of day 1 we had 11 successful potty trips! **We stopped using stickers as a reward about half-way through the day, she became disinterested with them after getting 8... I'm going to use them at random for a while.

Day 2:
Sarah woke me up this morning and we immediately went to the potty. She had a tiny bit of pee in her diaper but finished in the potty. We used the potty twice more throughout the morning and went outside the house for the first time wearing our cotton pants. She bounced her ball up and down the sidewalk and then we went on a short stroller ride to watch the construction workers and their "go-gah's" (ie: machinery) She stayed dry and went as soon as we got home. It is still me predicting when she needs to use the potty, she's not telling me yet (other than body language) but no puddles so far and it's 11 a.m. :-) Sarah did wet the waterproof mat during her nap but continued to use the potty in the afternoon. Around 3 I got brave, we went to the grocery store without a diaper on. I put a plastic bag and a couple of cloth diapers over her car seat and slung her in the store. She waited until we got home and went. In fact all day long with the exception of when she was sleeping she has been perfect at using the potty. This evening at bed time she threw the biggest fit over having a diaper put on her. I gave in and let her fall asleep naked. I decided I could put one on her when we go to bed. I'm interested to see what tomorrow will hold!

Day 3 - Sarah's 15 months today!
My day started at 3:30 a.m. Sarah woke me up (still dry) even while wearing her diaper and she used the potty for #1 and #2. I let her go diaper free and she went back to sleep until 6:30 when she got up (still dry) and used the potty again. I was floored. My baby turned 15 months old today and she didn't wet herself overnight. We did have an opps on the way to Grandma's house (she fell asleep in the car) but the whole day while we were out she used her little pottys and was fine on the way home. So in the last two days she has only had two "accidents" both while sleeping. That is an impressive 48 hours for such a little gal. I'm proud of her and consider this early learning a testament to our relationship - the fact that I could read her body language to assist teaching her something so basic as keeping herself clean and dry. She is not using words to tell me that she has to go but she has carried a potty to me when she needs help. I have found that she only likes to go about every 3 hours (when I offer more frequently she says "no" and walks away). Hopefully the rest of the process (verbalization, manipulating clothing, washing hands independently) will follow smoothly when she's developmentally ready. I'll try to edit this post to add when she reaches these mile stones or add interesting moments along the journey. I don't see us as being done but we are completed with our 3 day kick-off and from here we will just continue to work at her pace :-) (And I will enjoy a break in my diaper laundering :-)

Backyards

I've been thinking a lot about backyards lately. As I walk Sarah to and from the park I stare at backayards and what people do with them. Some people have beautiful shaded areas for reading and playing. Others have barren lawns littered with pet waste. The later of the two always seems like a giant shame to me. There are other yards that I imagine what I would do with if I happened to own the property.

I'll admit it, when I owned a house I lamented yard work. Mowing the lawn, picking up after the dog; it seemed like I was rarely enjoying it but rather taking care of it. (We also happened to have the misfortune of needing to tear-out, regrade, and re-plant our yard in the early years at our house). That said we did always have large fruitful gardens and a lovely area for evening "campfires." The down-time we did have in our space was very relaxing.

Fast-forward three years and suddenly I miss that yard A LOT! A series of moves, job-changes and simplification decisions (IE me being a stay-at-home mom) means that we are not going to be in a financial position to own a home any time soon. While I love my low-maintenance rental town-home, the shared grassy patch is small and treated with lots of nasty chemicals. I have Sarah pretty well trained to stay on the sidewalk which in and of itself is very sad to me. Luckily we live in a very nice area that has plentiful parks which we can walk to. The local municipality does not treat the park grass which is a huge bonus. I can only imagine that as Sarah grows and we eventually grow our family that I will long for a yard more and more. I already wish for a fenced are that I could let Sarah run "at will" (still supervised but not so governed). A place to once again grow my garden, a space that my dog is welcome (none of the parks where I live allow pets), a space for campfires, a space where I can leave a toy in the grass while we go inside to have lunch, and most importantly a place to hang a swing.

So why I am writing about backyards? Because I miss having one and if you have one I want you to take a moment to remember how great it is. Why else am I writing? To get over it; here are the things that I can love about being yard-less right now:

1)I don't have to mow or dig weeds
2)I am pushed to leave home, IE - we now have a bigger backyard which includes: the zoo, children's museum, parks, the library and our extended neighborhood.
3) Being yard-less is allowing me to have the most fulfilling job in the universe right now.

Advice for new mothers

If I could go back to my pregnancy days what I would've wished for was honest advice from other moms. Not the labor horror stories that they were all-to-eager to share; but rather home-coming stories, breast-feeding challenges, sleep-deprivation moments and stories of feeling lost. Because lets face it, while labor is the first, it is not the biggest challenge to becoming a new mom. What I would want is for someone to say, "You know, all the things you read are just suggestions. Trust your instincts you will know what to do." Then I would want them to follow up with "Except when you don't, because sometimes you won't (I love Dr. Seuss) and when you don't feel free to call me; maybe I can help."

For many women their mother is their number one "go-to" person. I too called my mom but found her to not always be able to help. Two hurdles stood in her way. For one, she was 1200 miles away and for two it had been 20 years since she had birthed my youngest sister. She remembered a lot but would often say, "It's been too long, ask _______" So I had to get used to asking other people. And because I had my connections at my birth center I had "people." I don't think most people go home from giving birth with two new facebook friends that are experts on everything baby so that's why I'm encouraging women to surround themselves with positive mentor moms.

I was lucky to be able to call upon my birth center family. I called my midwife at night when she was at home because my baby's respiration's were "too high"; she had me take a layer of clothing off and they dropped right away. She saved us a trip to urgent care and calmed my new mommy nerves. I called my cousin to ask questions about breastfeeding. She described the initial pain as "toe-curling" and suddenly I felt I could ask her anything. 6 months post birth I had a face-book conversation with another wonderful birth center employee who encouraged me to see a doctor regarding my continued healing. I did and while there was nothing I could do to speed up my recovery it was good to know that I was indeed healing and that "these things just take time."

These are the tips I would give to my friends who are new mothers. I failed miserably at some of these while others took me a while to figure out. Hopefully next time around I will be wiser :-)

Top Ten tips for New Mommies

1)
You don't have to be super mom. You can't do it all.

2)
Don't be afraid to ask your husband (or close family) to watch the baby so you can catch up on sleep and recover.

3)
You have just started the hardest and most rewarding job of your entire life, expect to have a learning-curve.

4)
When nothing else works, take the baby outside for a few minutes. Fresh air does wonders. (When this does fail remember there are thousands of other Moms rocking their babies right now - again ask for help if you need it.)

5)
The world is full of experts. Once you are a mom, strangers feel comfortable giving you their two cents. If it doesn't add up to you smile and ignore them. (This also goes for authors who push child-rearing agendas that don't sit well with your instincts. Remember many of them are selling "solutions" that have not been researched and if it doesn't feel sound right to you, it's not right FOR you.)

6)
Post-partum depression is a real condition. If you have any feelings that you feel are out of balance talk to someone as soon as possible, you are not alone.

7)
It takes a while to get to know your baby. Don't feel bad if you don't understand his or her language.

8)
You will make mistakes, it's okay. Our parents weren't perfect either and look how much we love them.

9)
Write about what you are going through. Share good and hard times on paper. Someday your "parenting journal" could inspire your baby through his/her tough times of early parenting.

10)
Acknowledge that just like it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to raise a mother. You have also been born into a new life; surround yourself with a community of positive, supportive moms and ask for whatever it is that you need.

And lastly. Remember this.
You are amazing. You have birthed a new life and you know what's best for that life - trust your instincts.

**This was written with love and reflection after meeting my first niece. Congrats to my sister and her new family. Remember we are here for you. **